hold on

     Life is still crazy. Maybe when you become a career mom, life doesn't settle down until retirement? Or maybe it's just this job. The 60 hour work weeks have really taken a hit on my desire to do anything outside of my house. Let's be honest, I'm doing what I can to keep my house clean and give what little of myself I have left to my kiddos. I'm still hopeful that at some point I'm going to get myself together again.
     In the meantime I think I may finally be getting back on track with my health. It's been a roller coaster over the past 8 or so months. I had a doctor's appointment this past week and hopefully this new direction will help me get myself back to being me. I've had my husbands support all the way but somehow in the mean time one of my closest friendships over the past two years has dissipated. I've given it a good second try but just sort of felt like all I got out of it was a headache and walked away not really knowing what I had said sorry for. When you follow that up with digs regarding my sons accomplishments and other nonsense, I'm just not sure that its worth the emotional toil of trying to restore this friendship. Not that I no longer care, but how difficult should it be to maintain a friendship?
     After seeing my doctor this week though, I feel like maybe this will be the fix that I'm hoping for. And just that little bit of hope is encouraging me to keep trying. Hey anything you can hold onto right?

Summer time spruce up

     Last weekend I decided that for the sake of my sanity that I needed to put work away and spend some time doing something that I wanted to do. So I looked around and realized, it's summer time and my house could use some sprucing up. So my hubs and I finally got around to painting a chest of drawers that we had sitting in our dining room for about a year now. It's a chest of drawers from my son's first real bedroom set, solid pine and completely sturdy. I'd known I'd wanted to save it to do something with it for a long time but had never gotten around to actually doing something. 

     So off to Lowe's we went. I chose two shades of gray to compliment each other. I also bought a stencil from Hobby Lobby and some silver paint there as well. I wish I had taken a "before" photo, but here is my after photo:

And here's the top where I did stenciling. It didn't come out perfect so I may end up painting over it and re-doing the stencil but I do love the overall general work. 

After up-doing the chest of drawers I decided I needed to bring some summer colors into my home. I love having live plants in my home and flowers. Lately I've found myself drawn to succulents so I picked up several from Wal-Mart. I had been saving jars from various food containers (mostly pickle jars because my daughter is obsessive about her love for pickles) and thought planting these succulents in some of the jars and using them as a center piece on my table might look cute. And, I think I was right...look how this came out:

I also came across a couple of wall hangings that I just had to get while I was at Hobby Lobby:

And finally, I added a little more color with some new throw pillows:

I love the yellow and teal colors together. I actually saw several other pillow cases that I really wanted as well so I think another trip to Hobby Lobby will probably be in near future. 

In any case, taking a break from work-putting the laptop in a drawer and turning the work cell off was so nice and necessary!

Highs and Lows

     So I lied, totally said I was gonna kick my butt into shape and hold myself accountable for "tattletale Tuesdays" and Yep, I didn't do it even once. I could go into how busy life has been and how honestly I just completely forgot about my blog in the mist of all the chaos that has been life lately...but I wont. Okay I lied again, I totally just told ya'll the very thing I said I wouldn't.
     So shit has been crazy lately ya'll. And really, it's probably not all that exciting to anyone as a reader but here's a simple run down.

• Week 13 of training for the new job is finally done and I passed. Actually, I ended my classes with a 98.6 something %. Pretty bad ass if I do say so myself. But I don't think anyone in my training class actually ever cared about the final grades as long as you passed.
• I'm officially case assignable for work! Woo-hoo! 
• The chaos of being back and forth between home and Lubbock Texas has been rough. My  poor kids are so tired of not having a routine...so routine, here we come!
• Along the lines of all the travel, living away from home back and forth did a number on my waist line and on the numbers on those scales.
• The above mentioned numbers along with the demands of my job and the harsh realities of what the kids on my case load have experienced has kind of slowly pushed me into a not-so-happy place.
• Said not-so-happy place, really seems to feel a lot like a bout of depression.
• Said possible bought of depression is scaring me to death and giving me anxiety
• I'm a total cluster fuck right now, seriously.

In the mean time...

• My best friend has basically gone M.I.A (on the tails of me being pretty hurt by things she said which I know she doesn't even realize she said...not sure if that makes it worse or better). 
• My hubby is constantly stressed, totally hates his job because he basically babysits grown adults who can't seem to display any logic or common sense.
• He wants out of this base desperately.
• I want out of this house desperately.
• The husband has a PT (physical fitness test) tomorrow and he isn't feeling confident. I'm starting to spazz.
• The husband managed to nail a hole into a pipe into our wall...the pipe happens to run all the water and "waste" through this pipe. Said pipe subsequently leaked under our floor boards and now floor boards need to be pulled up and Yay base housing is trying to charge us...whew.

Does it make any sense to buy a house in a place we both are certain we don't want to be?...Probably not. 

Let's get back to some high's, I don't want to end this on a bad note...

• I don't know if other moms have these moments, I'm sure they do or I'm just a big cry baby but when I drop my son off at school and I watch him walk away I get kind of emotional. He's so big, he's walking away...one day he will walk away from our home, and my arms. Sigh. Anyhow, one evening while I was talking to him before bed he started to tear up (yes, my son wears his heart on his sleeve-i love this and am exhausted by this) and explained to me that when I drop him off at school he walks away and when he looks back and see's me it makes him sad because he already misses me.  Is that not the most beautiful thing an eight year old son could say to his mom?  
• The husband thought above story was "silly". This didn't sit well with me. 
• Both my kiddos started gymnastics today. They both did so well and Emme was pretty much ADORABLE in her little gymnastics outfit. Little does she know that those uber cute pudgy thighs and round tummy probably won't be so cute in 15 years. She better embrace them now. 

So that's my life right now. Just trying to hang on to something...I hope you all have found something to hold on to as well. Or maybe that you don't need that something because you're totally rocking it.

Either way,

Tattle Tell Tuesdays an intro.

     So in my personal mission to hold myself accountable in trying to lose some of this weight ive gained, Ive decided that Tuesdays will now be tattle tell tuesdays! So on Tuesdays I plan to post about the previous week including workouts /i did...or didnt do and being honest about how ive been eating. Basically its going to be a weekly post of the good, the bad, and the ugly of my weight loss journey.
     For me, Im hoping this accountability will help me stay focused and motivated. Im not sure that there is anyone out there who even reads my blog, but if there is someone out there that does and wants to share some comments for tattle tell tuesday then please by all means do so!
     Ive considered being super dooper honest and even posting the dreaded number...you know, my weight...but to be truthful, Im just not quite there yet. I will do this though...in my adult life the most ive weighed is 240 pounds. It was not pretty folks, not at all! After I kicked my ass and became incredibly focused on getting healthy, I made it down to 160 pounds. My ultimate goal was 150 pounds though those bmi and health chart things always suggested that I would still be considered overweight until I made it down to 140 pounds. Personally I dont put too much stock in those charts...but to each their own. Im trying to be patient with myself right now and Im finding that being patient is incredibly difficult. But isnt that the game with weight loss?  It certainly plays a big role in why so many people quit trying after just a short time.  Weightloss not only requires discipline and exertion when it comes to working out and making healthy choices, but it also requires one to be very honest with oneself and extremely patient. Tenacity...thats the word for it.
     Heres wishing whomever may be reading this a healthy weekend. And heres to reminding myself that small choices lead to big changes....over a long period of time.

Goal for this weekend: two workouts, healthy food choices.

Fat ass accountability

     So lets just get into this. I REALLY need to start holding my fat ass accountable. Over the past year I have managed to undo all the incredibly hard work I did to get my butt in shape after having my daughter 3 years ago. My body and I...we had a good run. I kept the 80 pounds off for a year and a half. I was determined, I was dedicated, I was focused! I woke up and went to sleep thinking about calorie consumption, weight loss, muscles, running, and eating well. Aside from my family, it was my biggest priority. And you know what, I totally kicked ass at it. Not going to lie, my mind set was probably unhealthy and I clearly remember being in this mind set of once I lose such and such pounds Ill be happy, or once i get to such and such weight Life can begin again.  Because that's what it was like, like life was on hold until I made it to this certain number on the scale. I made it down to 160 (for me this was amazing) and I even glimpsed 159 and 158 on my scale (dehydration does that), but over the past year I've managed to throw all of that out of the window.
     I could sit hear and explain all the reasons why the weight gain isn't my fault...I do have some good and valid reasons, but lets be honest, it was partly my fault. Truth be told, I severely scaled back my running, I started drinking ridiculous amounts of soda, and I basically gave up on myself.
     So now that I said it, its time to get my ass back in gear and hold myself accountable. This time around there isn't a number and I refuse to allow myself to place that burden on me. But Im not comfortable in this body so its time to stake my claim. Instead of burdening my friends on Facebook with tons of updates about my workouts and weight loss endeavors (we all know everyone finds those obnoxious), I will instead burden any unfortunate soul that manages to waste a few minutes of their day perusing my blog. Every week Im going to post an accountability blog post detailing my workouts and any weight gain or loss. I hope this will help keep me accountable and motivated and if there is anyone out there reading this that wants to share and keep themselves accountable, by all means please do!
     Heres to getting our shit together...together!

Training till your eyes bleed..

     Don't mind my over dramatic blog title...
The past month and a half has been a blur. I basically feel like I've checked out of life and checked into an exhaustive weird, pseudo-realm of staring at a computer screen and an old school projector displaying mundane PowerPoint slides hour after hour, day after day. It's like a never-ending, training nightmare! I get the point of it all, but they really should break this training up more somehow. three and a half months of this, not to mention all the driving back and forth is just OVERLOAD.
     To top that off I miss my family. When I'm home I'm overwhelmed with having the house clean to my standards and getting all the work done that I'm not able to get done while I'm in training and it's all just quite frankly becoming beginning to feel like AGHHHHHHH. You know, like that barely hanging on kinda feeling. Yeh, my OCD self does not do good with that feeling. Not at all!
     The one thing that has made this so much more bearable and quite frankly-probably the only thing keeping me sane is the fact that I have some awesome training classmates. There are a few that are not so awesome but who needs un-awesome people in their lives anyhow right?! I'm already bummed out thinking about not being able to work along side these people.

     Here's a few pictures of the shenanigans that ensue during training breaks and activities and some of the coolest people to ever hit the Texas state payroll!

Heres my Grace love. My first friend in training...and let me tell you, she loves her oatmeal cream pies!

 

My Ronnie photographing a scene

 So we were learning about photographing and documenting bruises and injuries...I totally hooked Meaggers belly up with a nice bruise from baby Kensli trying to get out!

 I miss my babies while Im away at training...Skype is a God send!

 So row three...yeah we kinda keep it rocking back there.

 And here is our Kelsie showing us how to work hard...

 And Lizzett photographing a nice shiner on Billy.

not gonna lie, I was pretty proud of the bruises I put on my girls!

Let the chaos ensue!

     I recently went back to the realm of the gainfully employed after not working for almost 5 years. Let me tell you, having that big of a employment gap on my resume was scary! Initially my plan was to start a Masters program and be finished by the time my Emme doll started school. However, money was getting tight and let's be honest, military life is becoming awfully nerve wrecking and unpredictable with all these budget cuts.  So I feel lucky to have gotten a job with the state...good benefits, flexible, and it's helping children and families-something I'm passionate about. I also got assigned my own office (this is a first for me and magically I feel like a grown up), a business cell (too bad it's an IPhone and not an Android), and a bulky laptop/tablet thingy.
     So here's the kicker, we have to go out of town for training. Granted, it's only a few hours drive away and I will come back this weekend...I am realizing that this is the beginning of three months of living out of my suitcase, of leaving my kiddos and missing their silly evening antics, and of giving up control over my household to my husband. This is going to be the onset of a few months of chaos for my family. Emme's never been in day care before, never even been away from me for more than a couple of hours. Davin's never had to follow ALL of daddy's rules because I'm always there to soften the blow (metaphorically). And Dustin's never had to play full time daddy and full time mommy. What a switching of roles. We are so used to saying goodbye to daddy because he deploys and goes TDY often. This is all new to us and I find myself worrying and feeling emotional over having to leave in just an hour or so.
     A hotel room to myself should feel like a mini vacation from the demands of "mommy, mommy, mommy", but now it just feels like a dreaded process of goodbyes and trying to stop myself from crying. Good Gracious what is wrong with me?!

Always Amy