So yesterday evening I turned into a raging lunatic. Nice way to start a blog post huh? Well it's true. In the midst of trying to write three different papers for school, contacting other military spouses whose husbands are gearing up for a deployment, attending key spouse meetings and squadron briefings, and getting an event up and running for my work...I decided to just completely lose my shit. I realize I could write that in a phrase that's less graphic, but it wouldn't do justice to my raving out of control at my husband, and becoming completely overwhelmed by my daughters fussiness and ability to create a mess in her room for the third time that day. And my son, well I guess he's seen me go into one of these modes before because he simply stood back and when he did come forward it was to kindly ask if he could help me. How embarrassing right? What's worse is that it was all kicked off simply because I couldn't find some used horseshoes that I had brought home from work (I work at an equestrian center) a few months prior and needed for above mentioned event for today.
Guess what, the event at the stables ran smoothly and the fact that I didn't have the horseshoes to give away as prizes failed to cause any concern or event a mention among the families that attended the event. So my whole screaming, stomping, and door slamming, over-grown temper tantrum only managed to make me look ridiculous, scare my kiddos, and hurt my husbands feelings. Good job Amy! After my perfect display of how not to behave, I rushed off to a pre-deployment meeting I had to attend and came home to find my children happy to see me and my husband completely willing to forgive my antics. I'm a lucky girl, and I apologized later to my husband and to my children while I was tucking them in and kissing their cheeks.
This isn't the first time I've lost my cool and let's be honest, it probably won't be the last time. It gave me flash backs though of times in my childhood when my own mother would come home in a sour mood and we all walked on eggshells to avoid the wrath. Thats not to say every day of my childhood was spent like this. My mother and father did many things right in raising us and I'm thankful for the childhood I had. It got me thinking though, how many other moms have these kind of moments (or maybe even husbands) as well? I'm not sure about husbands because mine doesn't behave that way at all. For me, it comes from being overwhelmed and it's usually my own fault because I often put too much on my plate and I don't like to share. Meaning, I hate to leave things up for someone else to do. Call it a control freak, blame it on my obsessive-compulsive tendencies; whatever it is-it's become an interference. Why do we as moms think we need to do every thing? I know I'm not the only mom that feels this way. Why do we think we must always be up to the standards of other moms? We have this uncontrollable need for approval by other moms, but whose to say they're doing it "right" or doing it any better than we are? Couldn't it be just as likely that despite whatever outward appearance they present, that they themselves are just looking around to others for approval as well? How many of you moms out there completely lose your cool like I did over the smallest thing?
A few years back I went to a counselor to address some issues. I'll save those for another post one day perhaps. Anyhow, after maybe two or three months of sessions the counselor told me something so profoundly insightful yet utterly obvious that I think I wasn't able to pick my jaw up off the floor for at least a few days. What was this profound revelation? She told me that I have a need to put on a show. In everything I do, I want others to view me in a certain way. I can't show others that I can't handle it, that I can't do it on my own. I can't show that I'm stressed or overwhelmed because that would just suggest that I couldn't in fact, handle "it". I can't show others that everything isn't just peachy keen. And that counselor of mine, well, she was absolutely right. Unfortunately counselors can help you see things but that doesn't mean they wave a magic wand and suddenly that broken piece of you is magically fixed. So here I am, lets see...5 years later, and still having this same issue. I don't need people to see me as perfect, or to think things in my life are perfect. Which really is a good thing because it's too obvious that things aren't perfect-because they aren't perfect for anyone, it's an impossibility. What I do need though, is for people to think I can handle everything. Pile it on gals, I've got this! And on top of that, I'll be smiling, friendly, and bring some cookies for the kids too! Yep, that's me.
And this whole realization only makes me look back at other times in my life where this same trend presented itself. This isn't something new. I remember crying at my desk in junior high during math tests because I knew I was going to get a problem wrong. I was in an advanced class, and as far as I remember I received A's and B's for the class but what stands out is always feeling like I was failing. I always felt one-step behind, grasping to catch up to some imaginary person who was just ahead of me doing it all, and doing it all well. I'd do the same at home. Huddled in my room over homework and becoming completely overwhelmed and frustrated with an assignment that I didn't completely understand. I'd work myself into such a fit that I'd be bawling and pulling at my hair.
Sometimes this trait of mine has been a good thing. I'm detail oriented and organized (I love making list's just to cross things off!). I hate to do anything unless I do it well and always want to take it just a step further. I like that everyone told me my OCD tendencies about my homes cleanliness would go away once I had children and I still pride myself in proving those people wrong. See ya'll, I have two kids and go to school full time and do this and that and the next thing but my house is still clean! So, I wonder-do we ever grow out of this? Is there a point where I can be comfortable just "being" and not having to work towards an image of what I want myself to be? Is it something that lessens with age? Is there a point in life where we realize that no matter what we do or how we appear, there's no award for creating an image of who we are?
...............................if there was an award, I'd want a perfectly pressed ribbon, not one of those tacky, plastic trophies that are over sized and eventually become flecked from the cheap, gold paint flaking off.
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